The Drug League

One random bump on your body can turn into a full mental spiral, and we start right there: the weird mix of health anxiety, gallows humor, and the reality that American healthcare costs can feel like a coin flip. When the “best plan” is comparing lumps and hoping you don’t need a GoFundMe for medical bills, it says a lot about the system and about what we’ve normalized. We also poke at how politics has gotten so surreal that you can say almost anything and it sounds plausible, which sets the tone for where the conversation goes next.

Then we pitch our proudest terrible idea: an “open division” for sports. Not “open” like a little more lenient, but open like anything goes, including performance enhancing drugs, mystery substances, and rulebook loopholes that turn every game into a chaotic experiment. The goal isn’t better competition, it’s sports entertainment cranked to absurdity, with the audience potentially knowing what’s in the “mystery bag” before the players do. If you’ve ever wondered what happens when spectacle beats fairness, we build the whole ridiculous framework.

We bring it back to real life with two modern obsessions: lawsuit culture and food fear. “Getting sued” isn’t proof, and long ingredient lists aren’t automatically a sign of toxic food. We talk FDA labeling rules, why composite products look scary on paper, and how nutrition myths spread when chemical names trigger panic. And yes, we close with a traumatic grocery-store saga: Walden Farms zero calorie peanut butter, plus smarter low-calorie alternatives and simple portion-control tips that actually work.

Subscribe for more, share this with the friend who reads every label, and leave a review if you want us to keep building the Drug League. What sport should be first, and what’s the one “healthy” product that betrayed you?

Transcript

Health Bumps And Healthcare Reality

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Yeah. And that that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

So unfortunately, yeah. I I did not get the update, the the human body update. So it's still tentative as to whether or not it's okay, got it.

unknown 0:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

It's an app date. You're still on human body v1.4? There's I I'm on Biohack OS 18.1 right now.

SPEAKER_02 0:43

What's the one with the clouds? And there's the background with the rolling hills and the clouds. What's that one?

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Windows Vista? Do you want to upload Windows Vista to your immune system?

SPEAKER_02 0:54

Oh, there's an old four seed oils and food dies. There's seed oils in the good old Windows Vista. Can we go back to a simpler time? Can you upload that to me, please? It just looks so Brian Johnson.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Is that his name? Is Brian Johnson the biohacker guy or is that the Luigi Manjani guy?

SPEAKER_02 1:12

It doesn't matter. Just go with it.

SPEAKER_05 1:14

Brian Johnson. Whichever one hacker and liver king.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Okay. That's not the no, I'm I'm talking about are they both named Brian? They're not the same guy. They have the same name.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

One's with a Y and one's with an I. Keep up to date. This is why you need the update, Mike.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Okay. So we we got into this because you were we were talking about the severity of like how we react to bumps that we find on our body.

SPEAKER_02 1:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

And you'd said, like, you know, one is obviously cause for concern, but if if I feel one, I feel the other side to see if it's a pair. Because if it's two of them, that's American healthcare, baby. That's all you can really do to make sure that it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

And if there's three, immediately and hope for the best.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

You gotta see if it's like geometrically sound.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

Where does GoFundMe land on the healthcare spectrum? Because it's gotta be like up there with like the top. In America, I think it's pretty high. It's gotta be like top five for sure. I don't even know if you're gonna be able to do something where you're honest.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

I don't even I'd read something where like GoFundMe is a major healthcare provider in the United States because it's it's the only way that some people can afford their medical bills.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

I know. And yet, we're sit you got the people like, oh no, it's got fucking seed oils and carrageen. You're like, bro, people are dying of cancer and they're going bankrupt from it too. Like, we have so many bigger problems.

SPEAKER_05 2:39

It's okay because I saw you guys are putting Trump on your passports now.

SPEAKER_02 2:43

I didn't see it.

SPEAKER_05 2:44

That's gonna solve all your healthcare problems.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

I don't even know. Uh you could tell me I saw Trump and then say fucking anything, and I'd be like, sure, Rob, I believe you. You could be like, he's making all black people white and all white people black now. Like everyone's swapping race, and I'd be like, sure, that sounds like something that he would say we're doing. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

I'm the most progressive president there's ever been. I wouldn't walk a mile in their shoes. I'll make everyone walk a mile in everyone else's shoes. Everyone's switching shoes. I'm passing an executive order. Switch shoes right now. They say it couldn't be done. You're too good at that.

unknown 3:22

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

Unfortunately, I hear it every day.

Trump Bits And Condom Hands

SPEAKER_02 3:26

I no, like I'm and I'm I I promise I'm not being hyperbolic. It sounds like I am. I'm not. I would believe it if you told me that Trump like did and then just said the most fucking insane thing ever. I'd be like, all right, yeah, probably. He probably did. That's a weird thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

We used to make fun of Bush because every once in a while Bush would say something kind of weird, and everyone would go, wow, what a dangerous man. And now everyone put to the person to your left, give them your shoes. The person to your right, give your shoes to the person on your left, pass them down the line. Everyone's getting sick.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

So now we all must wear condoms over our hands at all times. Fucking Trojan stock is going through the roof. I watched latex allergies everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Like everyone's got condoms on their hands and they're playing basketball or something, just to raise the stakes.

SPEAKER_04 4:18

My ball is so slippery.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Have I have I told you guys about like ribbed. Oh, that no, because ribbed is like that's not fair. That's that's unsanctioned. It's like filling a bat, a baseball bat with the batteries.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

It's like they have rules in the fucking NBA where you have condoms on your hands. Like, oh the fucking fucking Paul. Wait, zoom in.

SPEAKER_04 4:39

That guy's got ribbons. No, he's cheating. That one's unlubbed. Points off. They all have to be with the bench.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

You can't get a dry one. You can't do it. They all have to be the lube one.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

Disqualified because that guy's condom is flavored. It's not one of the approved flavors from the NBA.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

One of them just sitting there with it in his mouth, just like holding like, oh dude, fucking raspberry. I get the jackpot today.

SPEAKER_01 5:07

Why is he tasting his hands between every slam dunk? Clearly, he's doping right now.

SPEAKER_02 5:12

Hey, if you can slam dunk with fucking strawberry-flavored condom hands, then you deserve it. You deserve every bit of that contract you got. I don't know what it is, but you deserve that.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Welcome to Inmoderation. The show will give you a moderate dose of info and sarcasm, and you already know we're not approved. Um, this is I this will never air.

SPEAKER_05 5:34

I think apparently we use ribbed condoms and we're not supposed to.

SPEAKER_02 5:38

I don't know, guys. With all the shit we've talked about, this is like the lower end of the crazy shit we said. I feel like this is just the hand condoms, is is not even like remotely near the zenith of where we've reached on this podcast.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

I have I told you guys before about my idea to make sports really interesting.

SPEAKER_02 5:58

Okay, I've no, but I'm full I'm in. What do we how do we make sports interesting? What are we doing?

SPEAKER_01 6:04

So here's the thing like steroids, I understand, right? Everyone wants to jump to steroids. We want to be bigger, we want to be stronger, all that.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

So we give everyone steroids in sports.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Not quite. So steroids are a possibility here. But so when when you go into bodybuilding, you've got the when you see like an open competition, that means that they're allowed to take steroids. It's not good, but they're allowed to. Now, what I think should happen is in every sport, we should have it open, whatever that is. And it's not just limited to you can take anything you want. Anything. NASCAR, basketball, okay, baseball, anything okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

So you're saying like the the the like the car, like in NASCAR, you can do whatever you want to the car.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

You can do whatever you want to the car or the driver. You can put the driver on the helicopter.

SPEAKER_05 6:53

I'm thinking what what advantage would steroids have for a NASCAR driver?

SPEAKER_02 6:57

I well, no, I'm not just steroid.

SPEAKER_05 6:59

You might turn left a little better.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Yeah. Okay, what what if I get a helicopter in NASCAR and I park it right next to the other cars and just take off and go around in circles? Does that count? Does that work?

SPEAKER_03 7:10

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:12

There's like a height. I as long as I stay below this height and I keep going around in circles. Like, no, the fuck is got a helicopter. Well, it's open, bro. You can do whatever you want. Do whatever you want. Dude, that guy's building a train system right on the fucking tracks. He's putting down train tracks, he's building one of those monorails. Everybody's plasters like you have to have people on it to just plaster to the side because it's going in circle so fast. The fucking forces are like eight or whatever, the one right below what the human body can survive.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

You have to get an astronaut to drive the thing. Yeah, but you win. But like, yeah, you give somebody like a near hero dose of Adderall, right? And you just let them drive. Or like imagine gymnastics on on crack, literal crack. These two like they're pole vaulting and they don't even need the pole.

SPEAKER_02 8:15

I'm I'm not convinced that taking crack cocaine before your vault is going to make you all that much better. In fact, I feel like it might even hinder your your your rings routine or whatever their floor. I don't know. A pummel horse, that's a thing. Uh you know, whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

If we roll back to tape, Liam, you'll notice that I did not say I was looking to improve the performance. I was looking to make sports more interesting.

SPEAKER_02 8:40

Okay, so when you say better, you you're right. When you oh, do you just said more like what is better? Okay, because you said I'm like better, but not the sport itself is better. It's better for people to watch.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

No, the sport will suffer tremendously.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Okay, the sport will almost always be worse than the original.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

The sport will always be. We may see deaths a lot.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

Like it's not just about to ask, are we doing one of those things like in the movies where they drop people on the island and it's like last one left gets to survive, and they just all start murdering each other? Are we just removing the rules? I would like we're gonna have to go to like a remote island in the middle of the ocean where there's like fucking maritime rules or whatever, and you could just do whatever you want.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Literal elimination rounds. We put everybody onto a cruise ship and we have them compete in jousting.

SPEAKER_03 9:31

What the sad thing is people would watch that shit too.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_05 9:35

We could be the new reality show in moderation island.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

In moderation island. There's nothing moderation about it. In this these shows, there's literally no moderation. It's the opposite.

SPEAKER_01 9:46

Debauchery. In a new show, no moderation. I don't know. Yeah. Well, we never claimed to be approved. No, you say it at the beginning of every episode. And you know, the FCC has tried to shut us down several times. The problem is the show is based in Canada. They don't have jurisdiction there. So they keep trying, they're trying to extract the stuff.

SPEAKER_05 10:05

That's why I have to do the editing.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Yes. Everything's handled out of the country. But you know, it's fine.

SPEAKER_02 10:11

If we get sued, we'll just set up a GoFundMe. It's not a problem.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

But look, you know, just like, you know, when when they make a um like a bulletproof vest, the person that invents the bulletproof vest has to be the first one to test it, right? This is common knowledge. Um, so I I I'm saying that look, I I don't want to just make other people do these on-drug sports for my enjoyment. I am going to be the first person to test this out by being on a lot of drugs on the next episode of Inmoderation.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

Okay, hear me out. Hear me out, hear me out. Hear me out. I won't. You got the sport, right? Go on. Okay, whatever sport it is doesn't really matter. And then you have a mystery bag and there's a drug in it, but you don't know which drug it is. And it's just like lined on a table, one through 12, and you just have to pick one and then compete in that sport. It could be everything from just like, you know, THC, just like, you know, marijuana-like cookie, to just the craziest amphetamines you've ever you've never even heard of. They're not even like they just came out. One guy go do the sport.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

Yeah, one guy's on weed, another guy's on heroin, another guy against Cialis.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

There's obviously one placebo, that's nothing. Just to see if it fucks to see if it fucks with them.

SPEAKER_05 11:26

Well, now when we bring under moderation back, that'll be one of the rounds.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

We each get a bag and there's just random drugs in it.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

You send these uniform-looking pills that have been dosed by you at home, and you send them out to everybody, and like take one of the five pills that I've mailed to your home, and we'll begin. That's right. In an hour.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Are drugs easier to get in Canada or more difficult? Like, and we're not drugs like you know, medications. We're talking like drugs, drugs, drugie, drugies.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

Asking for a friend.

SPEAKER_05 11:55

I mean, I have no reference for how hard they are in America.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

All right, so but like scale one to ten, how easy is it in the like to like one being like you just walk up and a guy's like, here, take this.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Their hands are throwing them at you.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

One being you walk around and people literally just shove drugs into your pockets.

SPEAKER_05 12:12

Three or four.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

Oh, so not that yeah. I feel like for me, I feel like it's more I feel like it's it's definitely more difficult. I mean, that's maybe just my location, but obviously it depends on where you live in the United States. But I say, yeah, we go through Rob, we get a bunch of drugs, and then we kind of line them up, and we uh we'll have like a little board that like has little it spins and it has a number, and then you do that that drug.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

Okay, so this is a the the person who's taking it knows what they're taking. No, no, no. I thought it was Mike. Okay, I know what they're taking.

SPEAKER_05 12:39

You guys don't know what they're taking, they don't know what they're taking.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Yeah, no, it's all random. Number numbers, and there's a bunch of random drugs. We take one and we just go with it.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

Because what if we do a thing where like like you know, it's it's like password where the audience knows what the word is, but the people playing don't know what the word is. So like the audience on the bottom of the that says, like, this person has just taken an almost fatal dose of Cialis. And it it's it's just gonna be like we know what's about to happen to them, they don't know what's about to happen to them. And now we get to watch it out.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Or whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

And I go for the slam dunk, but they're trying to knock the basketball out of my hands, and I shit violently on everybody behind me, through the shorts on the ground, I like ice hockey, leaving a oil slick behind me.

SPEAKER_02 13:33

Is that there's nothing in the rules that says I can't do it?

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Not that says I can't shit. It's the open.

SPEAKER_05 13:38

Wait, wait, wait. Hey Google, is there a rule in a hockey about shitting yourself? How many points do you get?

SPEAKER_00 13:44

Or IIHF rule books regarding a player shitting themselves. There is no specific. Unsportsman like conduct if the situation was deemed intentional. Well, it's not intentional.

SPEAKER_05 13:58

He shot himself. So it's not rule 75.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Way too many laxatives. And he's using it to its full advantage.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

What are we talking about? We could be the McMahon of this next generation of sports. We could own this industry. Do you guys remember the um what was it called?

SPEAKER_02 14:17

What else we could own, guys? Do you know what else we can own?

SPEAKER_01 14:20

What could we own, Leah? What else could we own, Mike? What else can it be? John Z. DeLorean was known to uh partake in a certain type of drugs. Talking about drugs. Do you guys remember watching? This is this is stone cold sober. The hardest thing I've got on my system right now is creative. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

I I I am just on like dad time where it's just like I've chased around a two-year-old and it's uh 10 o'clock at night and I'm exhausted. That's what I wanted. And just, you know, like fuck it. Whatever at this point. Oh, you know, speaking of lax.

SPEAKER_05 14:56

My excuse is what's the stage of grief where you're like you go crazy. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Crazy grief.

SPEAKER_05 15:02

Crazy grief. There we go.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Crazy grief. Stage of grief or a stage of being? Because that's just me every day. Have you guys had these? The shameless snacks not sponsored?

SPEAKER_05 15:12

I've never heard of them. But apparently Liam's going for them.

SPEAKER_02 15:16

Oh, what are you talking about?

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Okay, Liam's got what is that? I can't, it's blurry. I can't say that.

SPEAKER_02 15:22

My mom gave me this. She's like, I got all these. I can't eat all of them, or I'll shit myself, basically. So I was like, okay, I'll take them. And I still haven't even eaten eaten them. Eat them eat them.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

So you Liam, you and I, and probably Rob, you as well. There's 78 grams of dietary fiber in this package. We can all eat this and be fine. I can eat through this and be fine. Oh, yeah. I mean, my my system is regulated. I I shit like a ninja unsheathing a sword. Just one fluid motion all the way out. But the average person looking at this and little pebbles.

SPEAKER_02 16:02

Little pebbles everywhere trail.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

It's a neat little pile of pebbles.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

But it's I don't even have to wipe.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

Yeah, do animals have to wipe? Hey Google, do animals need to wipe?

SPEAKER_02 16:12

Oh, if you want to know, I listen to Ask Hank Anything with um oh, I forget. I forget who it was with, but he they did asked a question of like, do I need to wipe my dog's butt? They go into they go into pretty big detail on that. It's good, it's it was interesting.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Is that the episode where he mentioned you? Like in that same sentence.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

That was a video of his on YouTube where he was talking about something, statistics or whatever, and he's like, Who's this guy? And I'm like, That's me. That was pretty cool. That's you.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

Yeah, that was great. That's me. I I was very excited to see that.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

I was super excited. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

SPEAKER_01 16:51

Yeah, for those that don't know, um, Hank Green, who's uh you know, of SciShow and the Vlog Brothers and everything. On his recommended, like when you go to his channel, it'll say his followers.

SPEAKER_02 17:04

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:06

They also like you. And so he he shouted you out. He said that. I wasn't thinking at some point. You were number one.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

He DM'd me and he's saying, like, maybe on like uh an interview or something like that. At some point, you know, the dude's busy.

SPEAKER_05 17:20

Tell him to get on the podcast.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

Bring you here. But I don't do so Jason Manzucas. Jason Manzucas. Listen to that one. That was good. About wiping, like, do you need to wipe your dog's butt? That was a good episode.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Can we pitch to him the the the drug league? I think he would really like that.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

I think we could pitch him anything. It's just a matter of how crazy he thinks we're gonna we are after.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

You can pitch anyone anything once.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Yeah. Oh, can I say, like, this is something that's been popping up a lot lately. I'm getting tagged in all these videos. They're like, these are the companies getting sued right now. I'm like, we live in a fucking America. You can sue anyone for anything. It's land of the free, home of the litigations, motherfuckers. Yeah, I can sue anyone for anything. That tells you nothing. So I'm just like, who cares?

SPEAKER_01 18:07

What what I'm sorry Yeah, getting sued does not mean that you did anything wrong, or the person that is being sued did anything wrong. It just means that there is a person who wants to get now. There are many cases where someone being sued is being sued correctly, and I would say probably maybe most of the time. But yeah, oh, they're being sued.

SPEAKER_06 18:29

I wouldn't say most of the time.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Yeah, I mean, even it's like 50-50.

SPEAKER_05 18:33

Yeah, suits are just people trying to get easy money because they think they're gonna win.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

Yeah, American fucking yeah, lawyers, shit everywhere. Uh, you got fucking lawyers on buses, on park benches, everything to uh get me, I'll sue anyone for anything. It's just yeah, of course there's gonna be a lot of companies getting sued.

SPEAKER_05 18:53

Mike, when we were driving to from one place to other, I don't remember your cities, Boston and Dallas. The amount of lawyer billboards.

SPEAKER_02 19:03

They're all called Trumpville now. Don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_05 19:05

Okay, from Trumpville to Trumpville, the amount of lawyer billboards I saw was astounding.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yeah, it's it's a lot. It's always like injured, are you hurt? Did you get hurt? Are you about to get hurt? Are you planning on getting hurt?

SPEAKER_02 19:20

Like, could you get hurt? Is it possible?

SPEAKER_01 19:23

Could you get hurt? Do you have bones? They can break. Call me and we can fix that for you.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

And I'll sue the fucking pants off of anyone for anything.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

You'll be disabled forever, but you'll be really rich about it. And we don't get paid until you win and all that kind of yeah, everywhere. And it's always the two most boring guys with the worst headshots in history on this giant building.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

Listen, I've seen some of them where they're like they're like have a sledgehammer, like, I'm bringing the hammer down, and it's just like horrible CGI. I much prefer those. Those are those are good.

SPEAKER_01 19:58

Is it false advertising if you hire that lawyer and they don't show up to the courtroom with the sledgehammer?

SPEAKER_05 20:03

I would be very, very dismissed. Then you'd get to sue the lawyer, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:07

Yeah. You have to find another lawyer that sues lawyers and have that guy bring a sledgehammer into the courtroom and say, you know, one of us advertises a sledgehammer. I just brought one electively.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

America, sue anyone. Why, why it's like I I just hate, I just get so frustrated with like our the reasoning is so fucking played out and old and stupid. It's like, well, another one was like, the FDA is a joke. Look at this laundry list of ingredients. I'm like, that's long because of their strict regulations, you fuckwit. God damn. You have to list everything. Everything. It's a burrito, and it's got 40 ingredients, and each of those 40 has to list the things in those ingredients.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

I I forget somebody had sent me like there is so many ingredients in these chips, or it was something, some kind of like a spice, maybe pretzel bites or something. And on the back of it, it's it's a huge list. And I'm like, send me a close-up picture of that, please. And I zoom in, and it's it's like it's a mix, it's like a checks mix of sorts.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

And so they've got all the different things.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

Yeah, they have they list the same spices six times for each of the different pieces.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Salt, salt, salt, yeah, salt, sugar, sugar, sugar, cinnamon, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

Because it's used in different things, so like they have to put it on there that many times. The people should be grateful because we did not always have labeling that was as comprehensive as we do now. They could get away with putting just about anything into food. And now something goes into it.

SPEAKER_05 21:45

The picture of um Doritos from I think it was Korea was going around being like, look at how small this is compared to the US one. And then you actually look at it, it's like the Korean one didn't have to list half the things.

SPEAKER_02 21:58

There is like cheese. It's like just cheese, and here were like fucking lactase enzymes and freaking like everything in it. Like, no shit. And that's why that's what's it's just the fucking irony of it. The irony of it is just so maddening.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

If you were to put and actually, you guys literally did this. Um, if you put all of the ingredients uh that are required to make a banana onto the sticker of a banana, and by ingredients I mean the chemical makeup of it, and you printed all that out and you put it on the side of it, people would say that's a whole bunch of ingredients, and those are some big words that I can't pronounce.

SPEAKER_02 22:35

I think Rob's going to get it. I think Rob's getting it right now.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

I have the lemon one. Oh, you got the lemon.

SPEAKER_05 22:42

I have my I got the lemon one. I don't have the banana one.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

My mine is um here's a banana.

SPEAKER_05 22:48

Big list of ingredients.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

It's mine says here's a banana, calm the fuck down. And um it's just a list of the biggest.

Walden Farms Peanut Butter Meltdown

SPEAKER_02 22:54

We got that one and the that one and the lemon. Oh, it's uh fantastic. You know, I did try something that this week that is the worst tasting thing I've ever had in my entire time eating food.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Oh, that's a bold claim.

SPEAKER_02 23:10

Doing anything. Hold on, stay right there.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Liam has made the claim that in his entire time eating food, which pr presumably is his entire life, um, he has had the worst experience, presumably. Um I I mean maybe he started a few years late. I don't know. Maybe he was fasting. Is it fasting if you start from birth and you don't eat?

SPEAKER_05 23:35

Maybe he was aimly fed for a couple years.

SPEAKER_02 23:37

Do seed oils count? Because then if they do, I did eat my entire life. Anyway, you just fed seed oils for the first five years. I so we've all had it, like, I don't know all of us. I've definitely had my issues with like relationships with food and whatnot being shitty. And anybody else who has had that probably also has heard of Walden Farms. Oh my god. Oh, do you know what they came out with? Is it the peanut butter? It is, in fact, the peanut butter.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

It's the peanut butter.

SPEAKER_02 24:07

Oh no peanut spread with peanut spread. It I physically could not swallow the small spoon. I guess I got a spoonful that was a little bit bigger than I should have. I've uh my body rejected it. I've never had this this this moment where this there's such a visceral reaction where my body said, no, that is not food. Get rid of it. Remove this from our body as fast as you can. It to save our life. We need to get rid of this.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

I couldn't, I had to just go to the sink and just real quick for the the education of the viewers, Walden Farms. What is I I can't see it, it's a little blurry on our end.

SPEAKER_05 24:58

Not quite, it's a little blurry.

SPEAKER_01 24:59

It says real ingredients.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

That's what it says on it. Real ingredients, and I fucking love that.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

When they put down real ingredients, is it like a legal thing where it's because it technically exists, it's real? Because they're not saying like natural, right? They're saying it's real.

SPEAKER_05 25:15

I prefer my my ingredients imaginary.

SPEAKER_02 25:19

Why don't you try to try and guess?

SPEAKER_01 25:21

Try and guess the fucking ingredients in the it's gonna be like water and cellulose, gum, and uh water, cellulose gel is the second ingredient. Got it. Erythritol. Erythritol.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

Erythritol for sweetener, then salt, then corn fiber, then corn starch, then xanthem gum, and caramel color. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 25:48

Where is the tastes like peanut butter?

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Propylene glycol alginate, which is an algae extract.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

I guess it's just mucus. It's mucus. You're describing mucus.

SPEAKER_02 26:01

Oh, it's got titanium dioxide. Great. I love it. Uh, real ingredients. And like, listen, I don't give everybody listening, knows us. I'm like, I don't give a fuck if it tastes good, you know, like a drink of Fair Life. Oh, it's got this, or it's got, you know, whatever, protein bars. I don't give a shit. It's got protein in it, that's why I'm eating it. But this is a different story.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

Well, those are all safe ingredients. It's just why do we want to put them all together into some zero collary peanut butter?

SPEAKER_05 26:31

And and what part of that actually is supposed to taste like peanut butter?

SPEAKER_02 26:35

Right. Oh, my friend, I wish I could answer that question. There's there's not all natural flavors. I guess just natural peanut flavors are in this. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:46

Do they like do they rub peanuts on the outside of the jar? Like how is this technically peanut butter? Just give me the smell.

SPEAKER_04 26:57

I I be it's for the allergy peanut people with peanut allergies.

SPEAKER_02 27:01

You could have this zero calorie with peanut spread. Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

Walden Farms specialized in making zero calorie versions of sauces and things. I just wanted everyone to know. But yeah, Zach Cohen.

SPEAKER_02 27:16

Zach Cohen said he tried it and he says it says refrigerate after opening. It's supposed to say throw in trash after opening. And I really could not agree more.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

Oh, it makes me curious.

SPEAKER_02 27:27

It says contains peanuts. Nope. Oh, it contains peanuts somehow, somewhere in these ingredients, it contains peanuts.

SPEAKER_05 27:33

The tiniest microscopic amount of peanut.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

I apparently I I don't understand. This this is just well, like if you've gotten to the point where you've convinced yourself that Walden Farms products taste good, you gotta re-evaluate. You need to reevaluate. You need to you need to sit down and have go to the cheesecake factory and have like an actual fucking slice of cheesecake to re to re-establish what they what good things are supposed to taste like.

SPEAKER_01 28:00

I really I believe Walden Farms is in business entirely by it's held up by first-time buyers who see, oh, look at that. Like they're starting a health journey, they see zero calorie ranch, and they go zero calories. Oh, that's great. Let me try it. And they try it, they go home, they they pass away, and then there's no one to leave a bad review.

SPEAKER_02 28:26

That is decent is the syrup, the the pancake syrup, because like I've tried a bunch of different like pancake syrups that are like zero calorie ones that are like, okay, they're it's not maple syrup, like it's never gonna be, but like it's sweet, it's got a syrupy flavor. So, like, yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_05 28:44

Yeah, Greg Du Set pushes Walden Farms a fair bit. You know, he's first-time buyers and Greg Ducet fans.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

Some things just shouldn't be zero calories, and peanut butter, I think, needs to be top of the list, judging by my experience.

SPEAKER_01 29:01

If you want a lower calorie peanut butter, get the peanut butter powder. At least it's pretty good. Yeah, it's still actually peanuts, it's like half the calories or a third of the calories or something. It's or or you just get the fucking peanut butter and just measure it out. Yeah, yeah. Use your food scale so that you can figure out like what a serving size looks like and just use it in moderation.

SPEAKER_02 29:29

Use the reverse food scale. That's the best method. A lot of people don't realize that. You put it on there, then you take the the uh stuff out, and then whatever negative that is, that's how much you've taken out, as opposed to like so people put it on there and they're trying to put it. I'm like, no, just take it out. That well, there we go. That's you know, 30 grams or whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Yep, that's why put it on there, zero it out, and then it's it's the same number as you remove.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

That's so see, we give helpful information amongst our fucking ball sacks and DeLoreans.

SPEAKER_05 29:59

Yeah, I mean 20% of the podcast is helpful information.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

It's it's the 80-20, it's in moderation.

SPEAKER_02 30:05

Our 80-20 is 80% ball sack jokes and DeLoreans, and then 20%, 20% like, hey, here's actually a useful tip. You can use at home, guys. You should try this.

SPEAKER_05 30:17

Now, back to the DeLorean.

SPEAKER_02 30:19

Oh back to the DeLorean Rockefeller DeLorean or whatever his name is.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

John Z. DeLorean. John Dean DeLorean. People don't really know that. They don't know his middle name is Dean. People don't know that's his middle name. I'm glad the FCC can't touch this.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

They wouldn't want to. They'd want to use the hand condoms before the podcast. Quick, Phil, put on your strawberry hand condoms. We gotta talk, we gotta talk about this stupid fucking podcast again.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

The FCC tries to keep issuing subpoenas towards the inmoderation crew, but they can't because the the guys are big fans of the drug league, so they're all doing hand condoms in the office.

SPEAKER_02 31:03

I love the but have you seen the drug league though, Carter? It's that shit is dope. Literally. Shit is literal dope.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

They're looking at each other like they're they're talking about something illegal, but you gotta admit it's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_02 31:17

I want that. And now they're talking about giving drugs to animals. Like what? Hold on, to mice and fucking pigs? They're just gonna hop them off and put them out there in the field. I mean, I know this is illegal, but damn.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

Yeah, no, I'm not just testing on animals. This is a full send. It's not a test anymore. I'm doing this for fun.

SPEAKER_02 31:34

Our animal testing is far different.

Drugs, Animals, And Salvia Stories

SPEAKER_01 31:38

A test implies that we're trying to learn something. I don't want to learn anything. I just want to give a mouse drug. Give it LSD and see it, see to it that it has ego death.

SPEAKER_03 31:48

Let's just piss off.

SPEAKER_02 31:50

I know. I was gonna say animal rights activists, everybody. Let's just say make everyone bad. We all hate it.

SPEAKER_01 31:59

Every time Peter posts something, everyone in the comments is like, you guys put animals down. You got warehouses where you get dead animals. Something like that.

SPEAKER_03 32:07

I don't know, man.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

Did I make that up? Oh, I don't know. Somebody fact checked it out.

SPEAKER_05 32:11

I've heard something about that. I don't know if it's fact or whatever. I'm sure somebody in the comment section will tell us. Yes. But before you tell us, tell us what drug would you feed your rat.

SPEAKER_01 32:23

What drug would you want to see on your favorite sport?

SPEAKER_02 32:27

What drug would you want to see on your favorite sport? I feel like uh hallucinogens are just like such it's such a great choice for you know people out there trying to play the sport ball or whatever.

SPEAKER_05 32:41

I would love to see hockey with hallucinogens. Somebody just going for a full send body check and there's nothing actually there.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

I feel because like amphetamines just amp you up. They would just make people more like, let's go, which that's fine, but like hallucinogens, that's where you get the fun stuff.

SPEAKER_01 32:57

Horse jousting, but you put the horses on salvia.

SPEAKER_02 33:00

He's Mike's really going back to the animals. It's really like, let's make sure those animals are doped up.

SPEAKER_01 33:07

See, here's the thing, for those that don't know what salvia is. Okay, okay, okay. Go on.

SPEAKER_05 33:10

I'll let you educate us first. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:13

No, okay, so salvia was like this dirt that gave you panic attacks. And there was a summer in like 2009 where they there wasn't legislation on it, so you could buy it at the boardwalk. And kids would give themselves permanent brain damage buying these little foil baggies of panic dirt from unlicensed businesses. And um, it no one enjoyed, I didn't ever try it, that wasn't something that interested me. Um, but it's everyone said it was terrible. I'm not surprised.

SPEAKER_05 33:45

You know what I'd want to see? Actually, what going back to NASCAR? I'd want to see NASCAR, and they give them a huge dose of sleeping pills before the start of the race. So they have to finish the race before they fall asleep, or they're fall asleep in the middle of driving, big crash, entertainment.

SPEAKER_01 34:03

Yes, you see that this this is this is good. They're all driving like 12 miles an hour, scraping against the thighs, just crawling. Takes them 15 minutes to do a lap.

SPEAKER_02 34:13

I mean, like that one wouldn't you could do that and not even be like illegal, like you right? Like you just make them real fucking tired and to say, get in on there, Jimmy Jr., whatever. I don't know, and then start racing each other.

SPEAKER_05 34:26

I think it's Jimmy Johnson.

SPEAKER_02 34:28

Jimmy Jr. Jimmy Jr.

SPEAKER_05 34:29

Jim Johnson Jr.

SPEAKER_02 34:31

Jimmy Johnson Jr. get they're all juniors and they're all Jimmy's and Johns and whatever, just all of them, all the Jimmy Johns and the Juniors get in there. You haven't slept in the last three days, get you know, have at it. Letting each other pass.

SPEAKER_05 34:44

Try to win this race and make 11 turn signals.

SPEAKER_02 34:47

Little do they know we swapped out their cars. It's something completely different.

SPEAKER_05 34:51

That's where the hallucinogenics come into play.

SPEAKER_01 34:54

We put ayahuasca in the in the fuel tanks, the cars are speaking to inter-dimensional beings right now.

SPEAKER_02 35:01

They don't know this, but we're leaking laughing gas into the cars. The car drivers are just tired as fuck and losing their minds laughing at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

How many times do you think we could get away with this before drivers wouldn't want to participate?

SPEAKER_02 35:16

I think if we told people they would want to participate, I think that people would sign up on purpose to do that. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05 35:23

But people are right in the comment section if you would sign up for this.

Racing Tired And Insurance Problems

SPEAKER_02 35:26

I think you would get a lot of people if you're like, we're gonna leak laughing gas in there and you gotta race each other tired. They'd like fucking sign me up. This is great.

SPEAKER_01 35:34

Furthermore, I should ask if we have any insurance companies or insurance adjusters.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

Now that might be a problem.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

How do we insure this?

SPEAKER_02 35:43

How expensive we're that is gonna be our biggest hurdle.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

Next week's guest, an insurance agent, and also the insurance agent's lawyer. Just being here is a liability.

SPEAKER_02 35:55

Are you on a bus? Are you on a park bench? If not, we don't want you.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

Can we can we get like you know what I want, guys?

SPEAKER_02 36:03

You know what I want?