In Moderation

We Somehow Turn A Vasectomy Into Duct Tape DeLoreans

Rob Lapham, Liam Layton Season 1 Episode 138

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0:00 | 46:08

A vasectomy is supposed to be simple. So why does it sometimes turn into ice packs, nausea, and that unmistakable “my body is rejecting this” feeling? We get candid about what the snip can feel like in real life, including the vasovagal reaction some people get with blood, needles, and certain sensations. It’s funny, but it’s also practical: what to expect, what’s normal, and why it can still be 100% worth it even if you hated the experience. 

From there we chase the thread into nitrous oxide laughing gas, how it went from party trick to legit medical and dental sedation, and why the internet is obsessed with anything that promises fast relief. That sets up a bigger conversation about viral health hacks like “grounding” by standing on Epsom salt or sea salt. We’re all for rituals that feel good, but we break down the moment a soothing habit turns into a sweeping claim about inflammation, serotonin, cortisol, and “toxins” that’s designed to trigger fear and engagement. 

Then the episode does what we do best: it swerves into nostalgia and culture, including The Red Green Show, duct tape inventions, and yes, DeLoreans. Somehow that leads to duels, mutual combat laws, and a surprisingly grim detour through American history, including Andrew Jackson, the Trail of Tears, and how myths can hide real harm. We cap it off with Alberta separatism talk and a running side quest for bean and pasta sponsors. 

If you like smart comedy that still calls out bad ideas, hit play, subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

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Cold Open And Future Collabs

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But speaking of wet pussies, my cat just got caught in a complete downpour.

SPEAKER_05

That's crazy because I was just looking up Tony Hawk's brother, Mike Hawk. And there's some crazy things about Mike Hawk. And I think we should I think we should discuss Mike Hawk like a little bit more on this podcast.

SPEAKER_03

Speaking of, here's our special guest today, Tony.

SPEAKER_05

Tony. Tony Hawk.

SPEAKER_03

Mike wasn't available.

SPEAKER_05

We couldn't get Mike. Yeah, no, everyone was screaming for a Mike Hawk.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

We only could get Tony. Oh, the less.

SPEAKER_03

This might be the coldest open we've ever done. I there's zero context for how Rob started this show. I know, it's great.

SPEAKER_05

I mean, that's pretty much how we always that's pretty much how we always do it. Though we're chatting about something, then just hit record and then say the wildest shit that like we could have come up with.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, I was gonna hit record while Liam was in the middle of it, but then I was like, I'll leave the joke for it.

SPEAKER_05

We can't tell people about this yet, okay? I still have to film a video. It's gonna be I want them to hear. Just know I'm gonna make the funniest video I've ever made with a brand deal, probably even without the brand deal, just ever, but it's with a brand and it's gonna be the funniest shit ever. So it's gonna be like Christmas for everyone. Trust me. It's really good.

SPEAKER_03

I'm very excited. We we have the uh the leaked details here, so I I'm gonna keep that locked away in the mind.

SPEAKER_05

I don't like part twos, but I can't. Like, it's too good. It has too good.

SPEAKER_03

I'm super excited for it. Just uh yeah, stay tuned for a very special uh collaboration with not only that company, but uh April as well.

SPEAKER_05

Oh yeah, April's gonna be it's it's just like I I enjoy those ones, those videos where I get to make with April, and people really like that. Like more April. I was gonna I never because April's pretty busy with like horses and shit, but somebody left a comment that said, like, while you're recovering from your vasectomy, you should just April should just take over. And I was just gonna have her do a whole video where I'm just like I was gonna do it, and then like the comment pops up, and then I just walk off and have her like walk on and just do it. But like she, yeah, she's she's super she she April busy. April busy person.

SPEAKER_01

Speaking of the snip, I heard it didn't go too well.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that could have gone better. My body fucking said nope. It was like, we do not like that. I tell you, like, I've gotten uh like blood. I remember, you know, it's funny because I didn't I was gonna mention in that video, but it was like kind of it was just like more fucking details than any

Vasectomy Pain And Vasovagal Reactions

SPEAKER_05

of that. When I moved to Columbus, I was like in debt because like you know, it costs really expensive. So of course I'm selling plasma, like every red-blooded American who needs to get rid of some of their blood to make money. You go sell you well, technically you donate your plasma and they pay you for your time. That's how they get around that. You're not selling your plasma. You're you're selling your time, I guess. That's kind of weird. I feel why can't why can't sex workers can't get around it that way? I'm not selling, I'm just selling my time. I'm selling my can't you get around that with anything? I'm not selling drugs, I'm just selling my time.

SPEAKER_01

You could hold up in court if they actually try to use that as a defense.

SPEAKER_03

I'm not robbing this bank, I'm being paid for my time here.

SPEAKER_05

You can feel like you use it for anything. It's such a like a fucking, I don't know, like the way around the blood, the donating plasma is so like wow. I you guys they said cool, they were cool with that. I guess they were making money, whatever, who cares? But yeah, when I would donate plasma, like the first time I did it, I just went boom, I was out, I was out cold. I I woke up like what the I was just sweating like crazy. And I actually just pushed through that. Like I did it the next time and it was still bad, but it was a little bit less bad, and the same thing, and the same thing. And eventually I could get to the point where I could donate and I was fine, but I was like broke, so I was like, I need this money. So I just donated a bunch, even though like my body really did not like it. Uh, and then still there was times where like I would donate or not donate, I would give blood and I would I would pass out. Like, so I didn't think that was gonna happen during the surgery. Like, I've had like different minor surgeries, and that's never happened before, but no, my body was like, uh-uh, and I could immediately feel it, and I was like, this is not gonna be fun. I had ice packs on my forehead, it was behind my neck, wrapped up. One point I felt like I got like electrocuted. There was like this shot, boom, and it was just and I just was like, whoa, what was that? It felt like uh an electric jolt coming from my scrotum to the rest of my body.

SPEAKER_03

So, for those unclear, Liam got a vasectomy last week, which is why he was not with us. Why? So, like, did they not numb you correctly, or did it just not take? Like, what happened?

SPEAKER_05

He definitely numbed, he numbed, and then like I feel like he started cutting maybe a little early because I was like, oh, that's a knife. That is a scalpel. Okay. Uh it wasn't like it was mostly numb, so like it wasn't too bad, but I was like, Yeah, doesn't feel good. Doesn't feel good.

SPEAKER_01

So you weren't comfortably numb.

SPEAKER_05

I was, yeah, exactly. And so he did, but no, to his credit, like on the other side he waited longer, he gave more, like it was, yeah, on the other side it wasn't as bad. Um, but yeah, it was just it wasn't even so like the actual like for people thinking about it, it would the surgery itself wasn't that bad. There was a couple things that was like, yeah, that's that doesn't feel good, but it wasn't that bad. It was just my like vasovagal reaction that I get to some things like blood draws or whatever, where it just like my body just rejects it. It feels like like you're fighting your body, you're just I feel like I'm gonna throw up so nauseous, dizzy as shit. Like, I don't even know. I can barely just like keep it together. And that's just my like my own body's reaction to that. So that kind of sucked. Um, but yeah, I had a bunch of women in that video where I talked about it, they're like, we have it worse. And I was like, listen, I'm not making this into a competition. Let me be clear. If it was like do this a hundred times or deliver one baby, that's not a hard decision at all. Completely. I'm doing this a hundred times all day. Every if I had to do it a hundred times in one day, I'd still do it. Um, like you know, the internet's for complaining, right? And that's what I wanted to do because I just had something that I wanted to complain about.

SPEAKER_03

So you should have really played it up and and talked about just how awful it was for you, and you need as much sympathy as possible. Please send your prayers. Thoughts and prayers. Become a villain overnight. Um there's nothing that could have happened on that table that would be even a fraction as terrible as what happens to women get like IEDs and they don't even get like any numbing agents or whatever.

SPEAKER_05

Like it's like April's talking about that. I know, like it's awful. No, it's so way worth for us as a couple, way better for me to do this. It's just I still want to complain about it a little bit because I didn't like it. Yeah, my PP hurt, and then like my balls hurt now. Like it feels like I got to get it. Yeah, it's not a competition. I just feel the need to complain a little.

SPEAKER_03

In fact, let me pop in here for a moment to talk about mine. Mine went very well. I got this done four years ago, and this is something that you know we we've discussed here a few times. Mine was 20 minutes in and out. I've it's I've been kicked in the balls worst, and that hurt. I didn't need my pain meds. It was Oh, really? No, no, no. They gave me ibuprofen 800.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, they sent me home and just said take ad or advil or like because it's so unserious for most people.

SPEAKER_03

And like it's how are you feeling now?

SPEAKER_05

Oh, it's not too like the first day sucked bad. I'm not gonna lie. Like, I called them and I was like, hey, can you prescribe something that's a little bit stronger? Because it was just like even just the few first few hours, like after it wore off, I was like, oh, this feels like I got just kicked in the nuts hard kind of constantly, just this pain. So, but like I cycled between a leave or advil or ibuprofen and acetamedaphen for just like a little while, and that took the pain off the edge off enough that I I was fine. I played some games, I sat there, I tried not to move. I kept the you know, bag of frozen vegetables, which I use for a different video. I got to use there's there's a video where a guy's like, mixed can somebody tell every mixed veg company mixed veg doesn't mean all peas, and apparently it's getting all peas in his mixed veg. And it's very funny. And I was like, Well, there's only one thing I could do, separate it all out. So I took, I separated the mixed veg into every piece, like each one, and weighed it all out to see like what percentages. And I was like, Don't worry, this is definitely the one I had on my scrotum. I know you're worried it wasn't, you know, that sort of thing. So I got to use it for that too. Hey, a double book for dual use, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03

Technically a business expense.

SPEAKER_05

I guess fucking business. Well, let me tell you, I it's like people are like, get a card for it. I'm like, it's too hard to separate it all out. I don't know what's business and what's pleasure.

SPEAKER_03

Well, if you enjoy nothing, there's no pleasure. That's what the IRS is hoping that happens to us anyway.

SPEAKER_05

That's why I'm joined a nihilistic cult. That's what I've done.

SPEAKER_03

That's the cult we can we've been talking about. A death cult for a long time now.

SPEAKER_05

Death cult? Wait, what? I don't even I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't even fucking remember what we talked about with like a death cult. I know we were talking about a cult, don't remember any of it.

SPEAKER_03

I think we were just discussing like what would the draw be, like, how do we bring people into it? What's the the hook?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because yeah, like always about it's always about like being the leader and getting as many people to sleep with you as possible. That's usually.

SPEAKER_01

Apparently, Mike's a professional at being a cult leader since he's starting one in Texas.

SPEAKER_03

I'm not start okay. So different situation completely. I am not starting a cult in Texas. People I'm associated with are starting a cult in Texas. And I'm not that's not no one has to die. In fact, we're trying to get people to live longer.

SPEAKER_05

That's that's yeah, but that means you're only like one. Oh, what's a what's the guy where he's just like you're one thing away from this, like there's like a movie star, and you're like that one thing.

SPEAKER_03

Kevin Bacon.

SPEAKER_05

Kevin Bacon. You're only one Kevin Bacon Charles Manson. You're only one Kevin Bacon away from a cult or whatever it is.

SPEAKER_03

I don't even remember. Ultimately speaking, but yeah, as somebody who's gotten the procedure and now it's been four years, uh trouble free. I'd I'd recommend it to anybody who's sure they don't want any more kids.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, even if uh for how shitty it was, I'd still recommend it. It's still fucking 100% worth it. And I'm glad I did it. I just, you know, I feel like you would need you need to be able to complain sometimes. You need to be like, eh, this kind of wasn't wasn't super fun. And I and I I want to say that I didn't like it. I did not like I did not like having my scrotum cut open, just throwing that out there. Wasn't a big fan. Wow, what a what a big fucking hey, hot take. Getting your balls cut into, not fun.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, it's it's not like the most pleasant thing in the world, but like they gave me a volume for it. I went in.

SPEAKER_05

I think if I had had something like that, it would have helped, I probably would have been fine because they told me we were getting I was getting laughing gas. They were like, we have laughing gas that's offered now. And I was like, fucking dope. I I'm actually most disappointed by the fact that I didn't get to try laughing gas because that was something I really always wanted to try. And so when I got there, like, oh, they didn't sign you up for that.

SPEAKER_01

And nothing better than getting some laughing gas while you get your nuts cut into.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I would have been, I probably wouldn't I probably be like, oh shit, yeah, now we're good, do whatever you want. But um, yeah, unfortunately, you know, though that that didn't work out super well.

SPEAKER_03

If anybody listening has access to laughing gas and I know come in, let's um let's get care of in moderation.

SPEAKER_05

I want to I want to try it. It seems that seems like really did you like did you know that laughing gas was first used for laughing gas parties where people would just go and just and then just like fucking crack up and they would have big parties. And then there was a dentist that was like, wait, hold on a second, hold on a second.

Laughing Gas Origins And Reality

SPEAKER_05

People have a real for some reason, people have trouble when I fucking pull their teeth out and like drill into them. What if? And then he started giving them laughing gas. There's actually, I think, two dentists that like argue over who started it first, but who gives a shit? Whatever. They started doing it, and then yeah, now like they use laughing gas all the time for dentists. They still use it today, I believe, for some things.

SPEAKER_03

They do. It is the I just looked it up, it's the street name for nitrous oxide. Nitrous. It is uh it is widely used in medicine and dentistry is a safe, short-acting sedative to release. As soon as you stop, it's like yeah, it's uh it wears off very quickly. So you gotta keep taking it in.

SPEAKER_05

That's why it seemed like great for like the street. I was like, that's a great idea. Just didn't work didn't work out, I guess. But uh yeah, I just love that like humans are like, let's use this as a stupid drug party thing, and then they're like, wait, medicine use, then medical use, maybe for this thing that we're just fucking around with.

SPEAKER_01

A thing humans do. Right.

SPEAKER_05

That's what I'm saying. We're like drug first, drug first, everything else after that.

SPEAKER_03

Then we have to justify it. And we say, Well, this is why we continue to produce this, it's it's for medical purposes.

SPEAKER_05

It's for totally for medicine. It's it's but if you wanted to take some home and just like hang out for a while and watch, I don't know, Friends or something that people watch. I'm not I'm I can't, sorry. Everyone people get mad when I say I'm not a friends fan.

SPEAKER_01

But about you was better.

SPEAKER_05

I don't think I even watched that.

SPEAKER_03

I don't think I did either. Is that one of those Canadian sitcoms? No, that was successful.

SPEAKER_01

That was an American sitcom.

SPEAKER_03

Like Merlin.

SPEAKER_05

No, I think I do know what Rob's talking about, but I just let me assume like, oh, it's some stupid Canadian thing that no Americans ever heard of for sure. That's gotta be what it is.

SPEAKER_03

Why is it that nothing Canadian leaks over to the States, but Justin Bieber? Uh hello?

SPEAKER_01

Well, that's a different thing. Uh it it all leaks into is it Michigan or Minnesota?

SPEAKER_05

Right, probably one of those.

SPEAKER_03

Because like there are a lot of American cultural touchstones that touch you.

SPEAKER_01

Um the you guys probably don't know the red green show. The red green show was a good thing. Oh, I love red green, dude.

SPEAKER_05

We I watched that as a kid growing up. Well, there you go, there you go.

Red Green Love And DeLoreans

SPEAKER_05

Dude, Mike, I gotta tell you, the rest of this episode's about red green and me telling you about what it is. Okay, so everyone stop what you're doing. Interesting. Now it's just about red green. Okay, so right, there was like there was this guy, and I don't remember his real name, but he was red green. He had these suspenders, he was red green, and he would make, I loved his um handyman corner, was it called? Like handyman, something corner to something. It was like he made, he made, he would just come up with these crazy wacky devices or or whatever. Like he would take two cars and cut them in half and then like duct tape.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, the segments with Bill.

SPEAKER_05

Everything was like duct tape. Duct tape, yeah. And he he always said, Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And that was his like tagline at the end. I was like, it was awesome. He would he would make like a pizza flingy machine for delivery pizza, like you just went on there, it would just fly the pizza like across a fucking lake or something. It was so cool. I don't know. Like the humor I liked, like these little skits they had, I like that, but like the his like creation of these wacky products and ideas and stuff. I I loved red green. I we watched a lot of that. My dad loved red green, he got me into it.

SPEAKER_03

Can we do a red green podcast?

SPEAKER_01

Because this is so popular in whichever one it was, Minnesota, Michigan, whichever, that they filmed the red-green movie there.

SPEAKER_05

I don't think I even I don't know if I even watched the movie. Maybe I did at some point, but it's like forever.

SPEAKER_03

The guy's still alive. We could get him on the show. Let's get red green. Steve Smith Jr. is a Canadian actor, writer, and comedian.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that would be fucking cool. Let's have a fucking red green watch party where we just watch an episode of Red Green.

SPEAKER_03

I don't even remember some of the things they came up with. One question about Red Green. At any point in the show, does it feature a DeLorean?

SPEAKER_05

Just Google it. That's what Google's for. Don't ask me. Red Green DeLorean episode.

SPEAKER_03

A DeLorean ever featured.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, I'm writing into Steve Smith. I'm going to request he does a handyman's corner episode with a DeLorean.

SPEAKER_02

There was a DeLorean on the Red Green show. Let's go! Let's go!

SPEAKER_03

In a memorable Handyman Corner segment, Red Green was shown working on a DeLorean, playfully treating it as a standard project card that someone had modified into a back to the future machine replica. Oh, this is um There you go. Yeah, yeah, I think we just smith Jr., if you're listening to us right now, also known as Red Green, uh please come and talk with us about your your television program. And the Dolorean. And the DeLorean. And what you did with the DeLorean. Do you still have it?

SPEAKER_05

I was when you asked that, I was like, How much duct tape was used? Yeah, right. That seems like something that they would have they would have done something with.

SPEAKER_03

I'm hoping that that wasn't an AI hallucination.

SPEAKER_05

Right. That is just fake. I would be so sad.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, wait a minute. Wait. Why am I listening? No, okay. There are pictures of him with the DeLorean.

SPEAKER_05

AI pictures. Oh no. You know what I mean? Did he cut it in half? I remember him like cutting a bunch of cars in half and like duct ADFP them together. That was great. I don't know why I like those ones so much. It was like you he put like the oh right. No, he cut him in half and he put both front ends together. Like both like the hood on the front. There was like a hood going forward and a hood going backwards. And then he like he like like this this system of like poles and levers to go reverse and forward. It was awesome.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I I love this. Very cool. Very cool. Yeah, we're gonna watch Red Green next week. Red Green watch party. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, the thing is he um all the red green episodes are on red green TV on YouTube. Um but I probably still can't actually play it live on the podcast. But yeah, uh Handyman Corner Gull Wing Doors.

SPEAKER_05

Gull Wing Doors. Okay, that's what I'm watching later.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I'm gonna be watching. Let's just let's all watch it and then next week we'll uh we'll talk about it. Yeah.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Wait, is is he installing Gullwing Doors on like a normal vehicle? Is that what's happening here?

SPEAKER_01

That's what that's his thing. He's he's turning a normal vehicle into a Delorean.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that's the shit he would do. And it's like, how great is that?

SPEAKER_01

With duct tape and some bungee cords.

SPEAKER_05

And it was always duct tape like it was always duct tape. Like it didn't matter how much it took, he would just use more.

SPEAKER_03

You know, it's a shame that something like this couldn't probably be made or greenlit today, or red green lit uh today. It just wouldn't happen. Everything's gotta be a reboot, or it's gotta have like a star-studded cast. This guy's just having fun out in a in a maintenance yard.

SPEAKER_05

I think no, yeah, no, it it can happen. It just now those things happen on YouTube. Like that's where it is. Like those things are those like the influencers for a show.

SPEAKER_01

There's a guy that actually mimics red green on TikTok, and like Steve Smith himself has like gone out and met him, and that's really neat. Like kind of officially inducted him into the wrestling family launch, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Boss and launch. Remember that. That's awesome. That's really cool.

SPEAKER_03

I'm gonna start mimicking him. Start mimicking.

SPEAKER_05

You don't even yeah, you just learned about him five minutes ago, and you're already like I'm gonna make the new one.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

I'm gonna be red green now.

SPEAKER_01

I'm red green. But yeah, there's plenty to catch up on. There ran for 15 seasons. Wow.

SPEAKER_05

Man, what a yeah, I used to watch that and like Mr. Bean or something. I don't know. That's what I used to stay up, try and stay up late. It's always like I'm falling asleep watching this. I'm like, I gotta stay awake. I watched this. What's he making?

SPEAKER_03

I would like to see red green perform a vasectomy in his yard. Just imagine like the balls, and there's just like a whole roll of duct tape, just like I think he could get he could do it, especially now in the age of YouTube. He could do some research.

SPEAKER_05

He seems like the guy could that could find nitrous oxide somewhere, I'll tell you that much.

SPEAKER_03

He's one of those guys where like he's holding on to an like oblong piece of wood for 20 years, then he's like, one day this is gonna come in handy for something. Because if you're not handom handsome, you gotta be handy.

SPEAKER_05

If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I was I'm I can always remember that. I'm about to get that tattooed. It's pretty it's a great saying.

SPEAKER_03

I am I am not found handsome. I I need to be as handy as possible in that situation.

SPEAKER_05

I just need I I well you think I became handy.

SPEAKER_03

That's yeah, for those not watching, Rob is in a sauna right now.

SPEAKER_05

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Uh it is very nice sauna. I did you put the the paneling up yourself?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Is that what you're doing? Shelving up.

SPEAKER_05

And then you have the place in the front with hot rocks, you pour water over it.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly.

SPEAKER_05

And you get guys to beat you with a with a bush. What is the yeah, what the fuck is up with the just bush beating? That's supposed to be like to increase like blood flow or something, I would assume. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Or maybe just to increase kinkiness.

SPEAKER_05

Okay, I want to discuss something because we haven't talked about like anything health or whatever related, because that's what we don't do anymore. No, it's been most.

SPEAKER_01

We promoted vasectomies.

SPEAKER_05

We promoted vasectomies. Get a vasectomy. Talk with your doctor about a vasectomy. Mike, Mike needs to shut up. Hold on. Hold on. He says, God, listen to this.

SPEAKER_00

If you're

Salt Grounding And Health Claims

SPEAKER_00

not standing on salt before bed, you are missing out. I'm always feeling weird while this habits that actually work, and this is one I can't stop talking about. Pour Epson salt or sea salt on a shallow tray, stand on it for 10 minutes. I do this while I'm doing my sink here, and that is it. Your feet get exfoliated, inflammation goes down, and your nervous system shifts into resin. It's called grounding, it spikes serotonin, drop the porner salt times just like deep sleep. It feels insane in the best way.

SPEAKER_05

So here's my thing with these videos is like I actually wouldn't mind it if they were just like it feels good on your skin and it exfoliates. I'd be like, dope. Like that saying on salt actually kind of sounds nice, and like I think it would help maybe exfoliate. I'm no skinologist, but I think so. And that but then they always take like these extra 69 kilometers, and they're like, oh, it does all these extra. It does inflam. They're like inflammation, cortisol, student debt, all gone. And I'm like, whoa, let's slow down here a little bit.

SPEAKER_03

But you know, I saw that video, and it's yeah, she's got it like in a pile in her shower, right?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, she puts it in like one of those baking trays or something, and then she just kind of stands it in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_03

And it's yeah, it's it's she's basically grounding, she said.

SPEAKER_05

And that's grounding, I guess, now, because it's rocks. And you stand on rocks, minerals.

SPEAKER_01

Because we know electricity goes through the bathtub really well.

SPEAKER_05

It's been trying. So the metal connects to the minerals, and then that and then that connects to the magical particles in the air.

SPEAKER_03

Isn't that how you make a battery?

SPEAKER_05

Like metal and salt and meat? Like fucking magnets, how do they work? I don't know. You're telling me how to fucking make a battery. Just use a potato. Listen, I just want to say, if you put me like a thousand years ago, I'd be totally fucked. Because it would be like I wouldn't be able to show them anything. I would be like, there's these things called batteries, and they'd be like, how do those work? And I'd be like, um there's DC and there's like AC, and like one current goes through, I would have like no idea it would be useless.

SPEAKER_03

I always think about how like I couldn't make a pair of shoes. Right? Send me to a time where they don't you can't buy shoes at Walmart. I'm screwed. I can't walk anywhere. It's over. Certainly can't make a DeLorean. That's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_05

I'd start a cult because I feel like it'd be pretty good.

SPEAKER_03

That's all you can do at that point. That's why there were so many wars and shit. Because what are you gonna do other than okay, well, we don't have internet porn, so let's kill each other. Yeah, that's that's the yeah, the dichotomy of humanity is either porn or war.

SPEAKER_05

That's it you're porn, not war. That's gonna be my my remote.

SPEAKER_01

We've got beans not war. We are beans not bombs, porn not war.

SPEAKER_05

Porn not war bones. You're not it's not porn, you're just donating your time.

SPEAKER_03

You're just donating your time, and then it's a it's a silhouette of a bank robber. Yeah, uh, it's there are some bombastic claims made about health.

SPEAKER_05

If they just removed all that extra shit, I think it'd be we'd have more fun. Like, oh yeah, this feels good, and like you should try it. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

Everything's gotta be optimized. And it's it has to be like sucking the toxins out of your body through your feet. And it's because it's the thing is if you're just putting out like straightforward information, by and large, you're not gonna get the kind of fear response that something else would, like you know, something level-headed and normal. And Instagram values fear to some level or confusion because it elicits responses. And people ask questions, they want to know more, and it's it's it's a shame. But yeah, stuff like that gets a lot of traction because it's confusing, it's novel. Yeah, if the uh salt walking lady is listening to this, um come come talk with us, have a chat.

SPEAKER_05

Maybe we should start trying to say to do these things, but just because it's fun, like, yeah, we should do this. It does oh no, it doesn't no your health, no, it um it doesn't really do anything for that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, there's an entire new series for you.

SPEAKER_05

It's just like this is the butthole tanning?

SPEAKER_03

Do it for like maybe a couple of minutes. Don't do it for a few hours, but you know, it's probably feels pretty good. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I mean, like who you were gonna be the only one with a tan button.

SPEAKER_01

I think if you guys go butthole tanning, you'll start to uh smell your VazDeferins burning.

SPEAKER_05

I well, I already smelled it burning, like I so I'll know. I'll because yeah, it was terrorized. Yeah, they they you smell that shit. It's like who's burning? Oh, right.

SPEAKER_03

Me. I'm burning. That's the the most effective way of getting it done, which I was not aware of when I went in there. Otherwise, I would have uh suggested or asked for it. They just snipped. Oh interesting. Yeah, I don't know if maybe that's a different pain level between the connerization and the snip. I doubt I thought it is. Yeah, it's it was just one snip on one side of the side.

SPEAKER_05

Don't get hit in the nuts shortly after because he's like he was like the scrotum, you have no idea how big it can swell. He's like, you'll be full watermelon, just like hanging. Like, you ever see that episode of South Park where like Randy he has like his balls in a wheelbarrow? Yeah, and he bouncing, yeah, they're bouncing on him like that. Like that's what you'd end up.

SPEAKER_03

That's not the one you want to be squeezing between your thighs.

SPEAKER_05

No, that's no, no, no, no, no. So he's like, don't get hit in the nuts. I was like, Bet, let me avoid that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, don't we spend our whole lives avoiding that anyway?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, but just extra careful because sometimes still I get it.

SPEAKER_01

Well, during the ages of 12 to 15, I think we don't really try to avoid it anymore.

SPEAKER_03

Speak for yourself, I was avoiding it. Oh yeah, it happened.

SPEAKER_01

Oh god, in freaking junior high. Um, some guys, some of the guys made a game of like sitting on the gym floor, leg spread, medicine ball, throwing medicine balls at each other's nuts. Oh gosh. No, thank you.

SPEAKER_03

Yep. I'm gonna have to be a pass. Again, before internet porn. Everything's not really before. BP. It was just starting. Early ages. It was just beginning. So it's it wasn't commonplace yet. So it's we gotta either hit each other in the nuts or yeah, watch porn.

SPEAKER_05

Like, I think back to the time when we were kids, they were like, My friends would just play the game where yeah, you one person would punch the other person in the thigh as hard as they could, and the next person would punch him in the thigh as hard as they could, and the first person to say I'm out lost, and they would just go back and forth. And I'm like, that's what we did now. Imagine what they did like a thousand years ago when there was nothing. Like, no wonder, yeah, there was wars and shit everywhere. They would get greased up and they would fight in stadiums. Oh, yeah. Duels in the fucking wild colise. Yeah, no, duel coliseums, yeah, for sure. The fucking gladiators. They've got a Coliseum on the White House.

SPEAKER_01

If we did start to graph the incidents of war and human human fighting and the advent of modern pornography and stuff, there would be a correlation there.

SPEAKER_05

There

Porn Or War Plus Duel Stories

SPEAKER_05

okay, I get I remember there was a duel because duels were insane. I remember it being very interested in like how the fuck did what come on, but really, like, I think it was this was Andrew Jackson. Don't quote me on this, but there was one person I think I remember listening because Andrew Jackson was like an insane motherfucker who just like he was nicknamed like old chicory or some shit because he had carried he was insane anyway. There was this like duel where like everyone was kind of making fun of him for like his girlfriend, his wife, or whatever, and he challenged someone to a duel and they both took like the 10 paces and they turned around. And what you're supposed to do is immediately shoot, right? Like you turn around and you shoot. Andrew didn't do, I think it was Andrew. Again, don't go on this, I'd have to look it up. But like he turned around, he didn't shoot, he just got shot immediately, right? He got shot, but he didn't go down, he just stood there and he was like, and he didn't shoot, and he waited and he just aimed because you couldn't leave until the other person shot. So the dude just had to sit there and stand there while he was just aiming at him. And people were like, Whoa, you that's against like you can't do that. And he's like, No, that's not against the rules. Like he fucking found the loophole in this shit, and he just lined up his shot and just boom, right in the chest and killed him, and then just walked away. And like he survived from his shot because he like he got winged because like the other guy shot quickly. And I'm like, and people were like, Yeah, okay, rules.

SPEAKER_03

Like, what the fuck? That's just he just what was he just like hoping that he wouldn't be shot fatally?

SPEAKER_05

He was just he was like, I yeah, basically he's like, I'm probably gonna get nicked, but I'm gonna stand here and then I'm gonna just line up perfectly for my shot because he can't go anywhere. Wow, that's fucking what a man.

SPEAKER_01

If you know you're not a quick shot, that's the way to go.

SPEAKER_03

So the other guy just had to wait and stand there and be like, uh, well shit, I guess it's over. Wow. See, we don't have that anymore.

SPEAKER_01

Let's let's get let's get back to don't sound so disappointed, Mike.

SPEAKER_05

Okay, yep. Famously in 1806, Andrew Jackson allowed his opponent, a renowned marksman named Charles Dickinson, to shoot first, forcing Dix Dickinson to stand perfectly still and wait to be shot in return. So, like, what happens if you walk away? Like, what's And that's what's funny, because Dickinson was considered one of the best shots in America. Jackson knew that if he tried to uh tried to fire quickly, Dickinson would likely outspeed and kill him. Jackson deliberately chose to take the first hit. He wore an oversized coat to disguise his thin frame, hoping to throw off Dickinson's aim. He wagered that if he survived the first bullet, he could take his time and execute a fatal return shot.

SPEAKER_03

And he really just stood there out of like what like sportsmanship.

SPEAKER_05

This I went to the case. Well, he crossed me down. Upon the signal, Dickinson fired instantly. The bullet struck Jackson, uh Jackson squarely in the chest, breaking two ribs and embedding itself just inches from his heart. Damn. Uh to Dickinson's utter horror, Jackson did not fall. He put his hand over his bleeding chest and remained standing. Stunned, Dickinson reportedly gasped, Great Gods! Have I have I missed him? According to the official code duo, an empty gunned duelist was uh required to return to their mark and stand completely still without moving while their opponent aimed. Dickinson was forced to wait. Jackson leveled his pistol and pulled the trigger, but the hammer stopped and half cock uh at halfcock a technical misfire. Do uh Julian Etiquette did Julian Etiquette dictated that a misfire counted as a shot, meaning the duel should uh should have been over. Instead, an unyielding Jackson re-cocked his weapon, took uh took aim a second time, and shot Dix uh Dickinson in the abdomen, and then he bled to death hours later.

SPEAKER_03

So it wasn't even like and but by the way, this is also at a time where being shot in the chest and having two broken ribs was like you're probably gonna die anyway. So how did he survive that?

SPEAKER_05

I've oh so they viewed uh Jackson's second trigger pull as dishonorable. That's what they view because he tray he cocked it back and shot again. Oh, severely damaging his reputation for years. Jackson carried Dickens' bullet inside his chest for the remaining 39 years of his life, so it was just in there. He just they just left it, which back then they were like digging it with their fingers and shit. So you're better off just letting it who is there was another president who died. Who's it? Was it Garfield that was assassinated? I think it was Garfield that was assassinated, and they they think possibly the reason he died is because they were like digging in there, looking for the bullet, like with their just dirty fucking mitts, because they didn't understand that's a bad idea. So, like if they had left it in him, he might have survived. Again, these are things like I I I like history, so I kind of remember the the main parts, but like details.

SPEAKER_03

I don't so was it like his ribs were also just broken forever?

SPEAKER_05

I guess of what they reset them? No, like there's no 1806.

SPEAKER_03

So he's shot, and then there's just no further treatment.

SPEAKER_05

He just he was like, Yeah, I'm just fucking Andrew Jackson's or Jackson's. I'm just Andrew Jackson.

SPEAKER_03

I'm Andrew Jackson or the doctors who bitch aided basically if you guys are listening.

SPEAKER_05

I think he beat someone with a cane, maybe not to death, but like in part like not parliament, in like Congress or whatever. Like I'm pretty sure he just like beat someone with his cane. I don't know. Like that dude was he was was was he responsible for the Trail of Tears?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I don't know. Wait, what's the Trail of Tears?

SPEAKER_05

Oh shit, you don't even know. Uh that's like where with just natives, where they just completely took all the natives and just just took their land and made them walk I don't know how many miles, and so many died. Um, it's oh it's like one of the yeah, Andrew Jackson. The Trail of Tears was uh forced relocation of Native Americans orchestrated by the U.S. government under President Andrew Jackson. Yeah. Uh displace approximately a hundred thousand indigenous people from their ancestral homes in the southeast to designated territories west of the Mississippi River. Yeah, it's it's called the Trail of Teals Tears for a reason. Deaths 13,000 13 to 16,000.

SPEAKER_01

Jeez. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of relocating, Alberta has the whole separatism thing going on right now, right?

SPEAKER_05

Oh, so like they're trying to not be part of Canada anymore?

SPEAKER_01

Some some idiots are trying to be part of Canada. It's part it it's like it's proven that it's come from a lot of US propaganda that these people are falling for. But um, yeah, there's separatists that wanna want Alberta to leave Canada,

Trail Of Tears To Alberta Politics

SPEAKER_01

and it's the stupidest thing ever because we have treaty land. So that land is still owned by the indigenous. We just have a treaty to be able to use it. And so uh if Alberta separates, the treaty land is still Canadian. Like you Alberta can't separate with that treaty land. And so if they try, it's probably gonna result in some sort of civil war because the the indigenous aren't just gonna give their land to the Alberta government. Right.

SPEAKER_05

That's what I mean. It's 2020, with the way 2026 is going, if there was like, hey, and there's also a civil war in Canada, I'd be like, yeah. Checks out. That's kind of on brand, seems like.

SPEAKER_01

Although so far the um the federal legal system has actually been like, yeah, Alberta, you can't do that. You literally can't do that.

SPEAKER_03

Alberta, if you want conquest, come to Texas. Come to Texas, come take it.

SPEAKER_06

Or a lot of people.

SPEAKER_03

This isn't me, like, this isn't a threat. This isn't come take this is please come take it. Please, God, come and take Texas.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, why don't we just take the separatists and throw them in Texas? They'll be just as happy. They'll be more happy because gun laws will be relaxed over there.

SPEAKER_03

Any any different leadership, please uh bring it in. Is there anywhere that a duel is still legal?

SPEAKER_05

I I'm pretty sure we got rid of dueling a little while ago. I'm pretty sure we're gonna be.

SPEAKER_03

When we start the inmoderation cruise,

Mutual Combat Rules And Cruise Bits

SPEAKER_03

we can do dueling on deck work.

SPEAKER_05

I don't think I'll sign up if I'm being perfectly honest with you.

SPEAKER_03

I'm not saying I would. I'm just saying I would like the option.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, there's been no disputes over what's going to sign up for the inmoderation cruise dueling wheeler can like do them a hug or something. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05

Are we gonna be using um guns now or old timey guns? Because I would I'm old timey guns sounds way better if we're using like old timey guns.

SPEAKER_01

Honestly, yeah, old old timey.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I gotta do like a one, two, three machine gun type of thing.

SPEAKER_05

No, I mean even like a nine millimeter, that seems I don't know about that, but like it one word there's like I want a I want a circular bullet, is what I'm saying, is what I want. I want a bullet that's a full circle.

SPEAKER_03

One of those muskets that you gotta like stuff down with like the feather thing and like fill it with gunpowder. It takes 25 minutes.

SPEAKER_05

Well, yeah, you're so duel, so it doesn't matter. You gotta like aim the whole musket. I feel like you take the pistol, you point, boom, and then it flies completely. Because that's what happened most of the time.

SPEAKER_01

And then it hits somebody that's watching because it's so inaccurate.

SPEAKER_05

Honestly, like a lot of times with duels, but two parties who would turn around, shoot, miss, and they go, cool, cool, and they just walk away, and that would be it. Shaking that into the end. That would be the end of their argument. Like we did it.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, new idea. And this is a I think a test of strength as well. Uh a duel between cannons. You've got two cannons, they're both 6,000 pounds, and you have as much time as you need to turn the cannon around. You gotta push it, muscle it all the way around.

SPEAKER_05

And the first person to turn it around and fire a cannonball at the other person. So do they just start facing the opposite direction and start facing?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, and then you have to, however you need to turn the cannon.

SPEAKER_05

So there's people with like ropes and pulleys, and they're grabbing it and they're like so it can take hours.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, no, no, no. We gotta, we gotta, we gotta, we gotta handyman's corner it. You gotta make your own cannon out of duct tape first. And then you can fire it at each other.

SPEAKER_04

Mythbusters did that. But didn't they? Mythbusters? I think Mythbusters made a cannon out of duct tape.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, Google, did Mythbusters kill each other with homemade cannons? It's either Adam or Jamie in this episode of Mythbusters. Did they make cannons?

SPEAKER_05

They made a cannon. No, I think they just made a can of something else, and they've also done a fucking shit ton of stuff with duct tape. I like that show. That was good. Duct tape's cool.

SPEAKER_03

Duct tape is cool.

SPEAKER_04

Duct tape's cool.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, so um, yeah, I I I just I I don't want to participate. I would just like it to be.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, you just have the option. I mean, I'm gonna be honest, if you're telling me like uh uh duel, like a dueling cruise or a porn cruise, like if I'm thinking, if I'm having to decide between the two, one sounds a little better.

SPEAKER_03

Wait a minute. Okay, so dueling is not legal, but we do have mutual combat.

SPEAKER_05

When you say combat, you'd be I think you need a little more specific there.

SPEAKER_03

So um most US states outlaw any consensual street fight, meaning both parties can still be arrested for assault, disturbing the peace or disorderly conduct. But the handful of jurisdictions, most notably Texas and formerly Washington, recognize consent as legal defense to simple assault under specific conditions. So obviously combat sports are are protected, but it seems as though as long as there's no weapons, no serious injury, and equal terms, in certain states, mutual combat is permissible.

SPEAKER_05

Okay, you're so you're having a disagreement, and you both like you have to pull out a contract and be like, here, side uh initial here. You've got to have a discussion. No, that's the wrong date. You're gonna have to initial that as well. That was yesterday. Okay. And then you put that aside and circle on each other.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, and that's it. I I mean, that's kind of what was happening in mutual uh duels, right? They had to agree this is where we're gonna be, everyone's gonna be standing side to side in those, you know, one of those one-lane towns in the middle of nowhere. And um, you know, they just walk towards each other, they'd shoot, and it'd be the end of it. Old Western. Mutual combat.

SPEAKER_05

If you if you told me, like, hey, which state is this legal in? I mean, there's it's not a really difficult guess.

SPEAKER_01

Once again, Alberta separatists like Florida.

SPEAKER_05

Like those are the two may you know, maybe some other southern states.

SPEAKER_03

Mutual combat is not a blanket legal defense in Alberta, Canada. So, okay, no, while two adults can legally consent to simple, unregulated fist fights, this consent becomes legally invalid the moment the force is intended to actually um uh or actually does cause bodily harm. Interesting. Okay. So you can fist fight until you bruise them. It seems like you can do just a little bit more. I don't know what makes the uh the difference here. I mean, you you could both say you didn't hurt me, everything's fine, I'm no weenie. Oh shit. And then they can't get you anymore. Just a flesh wound.

SPEAKER_05

I'm just saying, like coming to Fox 8 p.m., nine p.m. Central, or whatever, 7 p.m. Central, that seems like something we're gonna see soon. See soon.

SPEAKER_03

Or as we say, yeah, nine Liam time. Yeah, that's right. Eastern.

SPEAKER_05

We operate under Liam time in our groups. That's that's good because me maths know so good.

SPEAKER_03

It's just easier to choose a standard and go with it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Liam also. And I like the standard. I like me being the standard.

SPEAKER_03

I prefer that than having to come up with someone else's standard. I don't like that as much. No, no. We as Americans are the standard, and that's a fact.

SPEAKER_01

This episode of Moderation in Moderation, we went from vasectomies to shooting each other.

SPEAKER_03

Well, you know, in a duel, I think the best situation would be to be shooting blanks.

SPEAKER_05

Right? I'd shoot even then, like some people have died after blanks, right?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I mean, eventually. Maybe years later, not related to the guns. Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, there could be shrapnel that comes out or what have you. But yeah, yeah, there's um increasingly more blanks being shot here on Inmoderation.

SPEAKER_05

Now we're mostly blanks. In moderation, mostly blanks.

SPEAKER_03

Mostly blanks. As we pressure Rob to be the third eunuch of our council.

SPEAKER_05

Soon it's nothing gonna be disectomies and DeLoreans. That's gonna be the only two things discussed.

SPEAKER_03

We may not be the only DeLorean podcast.

SPEAKER_01

And beans. What you missed last week. Uh-huh. Um, we were talking about how, you know, you're you're you're sponsored by Big Bean. What was the company again?

SPEAKER_05

Oh, Heyday for the beans. Heyday. Yeah, we didn't know the company. Heyday. Shout out to Heyday. Heyday, I like Heyday.

SPEAKER_01

I'm sponsored by Coffee Beans, son of Han Coffee. We need a bean sponsor for Mike,

Bean Sponsors Pasta Dreams And Farewell

SPEAKER_01

and we're trying to get him bean pasta.

SPEAKER_03

I have no sponsors. I I I've been trying, I've gotten millions of views for the Brahmi Pasta Company. I'm not sponsored by them, but they have been featured in many videos that have done very well, and they have consistently dodged me. I have had people dodge tagging them, saying, Brahmi, sponsor him, Brahmi, reach out. They won't follow me back. They won't message me.

SPEAKER_05

They won't even follow you. And not following you back is like rough. Like, at least give drop you a follow.

SPEAKER_03

Just give me the follow. That's all. I want to give you a lot of people.

SPEAKER_05

Send you some pasta.

SPEAKER_03

I want to be the first athlete. I don't want protein. I love protein. I don't want to be sponsored by protein. I want to have a coupon code for pasta. That's all I want. For bean supplements. I'm not trying to push anything like that. I want to be the first bean pasta sponsored athlete. That's that's my pitch. Brahmi, I have a shelf in my home dedicated to you. It'd be nice to uh receive some boxes and talk about that. I think you'd gain some goodwill over that.

SPEAKER_01

And maybe a nice little Brahmi nameplate for that shelf.

SPEAKER_03

Do you guys make pants? I know Heinz makes pants.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, like Bush's Beans wouldn't sponsor me, but at least they sent me a hat and some pants and shit. Yeah. Something. It was Bushes, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

That's that's all.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, they're probably wishing they had sponsored you.

SPEAKER_03

Probably. I hope they're regretting it. They're up every night going, oh darn it. We lost it to heyday. So I'm open to either Brahmi or uh, you know, if if there's any other alternative bean I need to be sponsored by, um I'll take jelly.

SPEAKER_05

Jelly beans is that could be pretty funny.

SPEAKER_03

I'll take the humble jelly bean.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, you heard that companies. It's a race to see who sponsors Mike first. Don't you don't want to lose out on this. You don't want to.

SPEAKER_03

Why is your name Vasectomy?

SPEAKER_05

There you fired finally. Oh my god, the entire time I waited for you, and you just sit in there not even noticing it. I'm on our window. We have our names, yes. We got Rob, Mike needs a plan, vasectomy.

SPEAKER_03

And this is the the the perfect foil to the uh this note that I got in a package you sent to me, which my parents got to see before I did.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, which I'm so happy for.

SPEAKER_03

They asked me um who is Delor Ryan.

SPEAKER_05

So good.

SPEAKER_03

And it's I mean, you can't see that if you're listening, but it's uh D-E-L-O-R space R-I.

SPEAKER_05

I wanted I wanted something so close to DeLorean that was like, I get it, but it's also not DeLorean. And I think I just kind of went full.

SPEAKER_03

And I immediately was like, DeLorean, it's DeLorean. And now I have to explain grinder. Anyway, at least you saw it.

SPEAKER_05

I would have been disappointed if you guys had not even seen it the entire time.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, that's beautiful. Okay.

SPEAKER_05

This video, this episode of in moderation is brought to you by Visectomies. Get snipped.